Q:
I am 43 and have been in a four-years relationship. I want to get
marry, but he keeps putting me off, saying he’s not ready. I'm not his
finance and he is unwilling to talk about future plans. Over the last
year I have broken up with him several times thinking that it will
make him marry me. Instead, after 10 days of him pleading, I give in.
Please help.
A:
The man you are in love with has no reason to marry you—you are
meeting ALL his needs. There is no doubt that he loves you. However,
although you’ve tried setting boundaries in the past to get what you
want (marriage), he’s learned that he can win you back after 10 days
and not have to marry you.
Men who
are hesitant to marry only do so when they are confronted with a
situation in which they cannot have all they need (sex, a
relationship, etc.) unless they marry the woman. I suggest you sit
down with him and have a heart-to-heart discussion about what you
want. Follow that with terms, conditions, and consequences—you will
not see him unless he has a ring and a date; that you will start
dating other men (tell him that you would like to be married some day
and if he is not willing to marry you, then you need to get back out
there and find a man with goals similar to yours). This of course,
will cause a strong reaction in him, one that will get him to say bad
things with the goal of getting you to stop it. Also, tell him not to
call you UNLESS he has a ring because all the talking is finished.
Finish up by telling him you love him and want him in your life, but
apparently, the two of you are not in the same place and you need to
move on with your life.
Don’t be
afraid to set firm boundaries. If you continue to give in, you will
never get him to marry you. You cannot lose what you don’t have. In
other words, don’t be afraid to lose him, because you don’t have him
to begin with.
