Will He Ever Marry Me?

Q: I am 43 and have been in a four-years relationship. I want to get marry, but he keeps putting me off, saying he’s not ready. I'm not his finance and he is unwilling to talk about future plans. Over the last year I have broken up with him several times thinking that it will make him marry me. Instead, after 10 days of him pleading, I give in. Please help.

A: The man you are in love with has no reason to marry you—you are meeting ALL his needs. There is no doubt that he loves you. However, although you’ve tried setting boundaries in the past to get what you want (marriage), he’s learned that he can win you back after 10 days and not have to marry you.

Men who are hesitant to marry only do so when they are confronted with a situation in which they cannot have all they need (sex, a relationship, etc.) unless they marry the woman. I suggest you sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart discussion about what you want. Follow that with terms, conditions, and consequences—you will not see him unless he has a ring and a date; that you will start dating other men (tell him that you would like to be married some day and if he is not willing to marry you, then you need to get back out there and find a man with goals similar to yours). This of course, will cause a strong reaction in him, one that will get him to say bad things with the goal of getting you to stop it. Also, tell him not to call you UNLESS he has a ring because all the talking is finished. Finish up by telling him you love him and want him in your life, but apparently, the two of you are not in the same place and you need to move on with your life.

Don’t be afraid to set firm boundaries. If you continue to give in, you will never get him to marry you. You cannot lose what you don’t have. In other words, don’t be afraid to lose him, because you don’t have him to begin with.

by Nancy Fagan, M.S.


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